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THE TARZAN SYNDROME
Free Yourself from the Twisted Vines of Emotional Dependency
Pascale Piquet
Who would have thought that Tarzan had anything to do with dependency? Yet, many depend on the affection of others as much as Tarzan on his vines. So as not to fall into an emotional void, they prefer clinging to the first person that crosses their path.
Testimony from a woman who released herself from her emotional vines and today helps those who are still prisoners free themselves. This book, full of humor, experience and hope, will teach you to understand and foil the traps that prevent you from attaining a fulfilling relationship.
Her objective:
Help women recapture their desire for men and men for women – and for all to be happy, alone or in a relationship.
Pascale Piquet, newly arrived from Paris, established herself in Quebec in 2001. Strengthened by a past rich in hardships, her activities as a writer, her training in hypnosis, total biology, Shiatsu, as well as her diplomas in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) enable her today to juggle with words and be a Success Coach: her clients train with her to achieve success and happiness!
CO-DEPENDENCY: IT IS A BAD PROGRAMMING THAT YOU CAN DEPROGRAM!
What you’ll learn from the Tarzan Syndrome is based not only on what I’ve observed during consultation and in my environment, but also from my life experience; Tarzan and I have past ties. Obviously, any resemblance to persons existing or having existed isn’t necessarily fictional. Have I caricatured their behavior? You decide.
First, I would like to make it clear that emotional dependency isn’t a disease, nor a life sentence; it’s bad programming that you can (good news) deprogram. You know now that through lack of affection, recognition and sometimes protection in your childhood, you’ve simply been programmed to search for it in your adult life. You’re not An Emotional Dependent you’re a great guy or a fabulous woman, unique, with many qualities and dependent behaviour due to your past. It could have been gambling, cigarette smoking, drugs or alcohol. With you, it’s affection. You fell into this pattern as a child but you don’t have to live with it your entire life. The term “neurosis” falls like an axe but it’s nothing to lose your head over. You live a normal life while responding to one or more bad programs from your past. They generate emotional and behavioral problems in varying degrees, detectable “with use” but not necessarily at first
glance.
Society produces neuroses like mushrooms and you become an expert in the art of concealment. That being said, a neurosis doesn’t make you a candidate for the psychiatric ward. It simply throws you into the grips of professional, social and personal problems. Although certain people are convinced that everyone has problems, I believe, it’s the suffering that makes the difference between a well-adjusted individual and a neurotic one. If you enjoy your life and aren’t suffering, I’m sorry but I can’t label you neurotic! You’re no more An Emotional Dependent than another is An Alcoholic or A Drug Addict; you’re just a person who has developed a compulsion. You’re not what you do. You have a job, qualities and an environment. You also have an identity and behavior not associated with your problem. You can’t define yourself with one negative behavior, blocking out all else. I’ve affectionately named this compulsion “The Tarzan
Syndrome.” I was tired of hearing the words “Emotional Dependency.” They sound like a death sentence. Plus, you have to admit that when you can laugh at a problem, it doesn’t seem so bad. Put it this way: to depend on a vine is reasonable (otherwise it’s a sure fall), but to depend on something that half of the time you’ll never reach is absurd.
In the raging ocean of human relations, the Desperado and the Emotional Black Hole cling to each other like shipwreck survivors to a makeshift raft. No chance of clinging to a well-balanced person; he won’t feed you and he swims faster. Rest assured, since I’ve settled the score with Tarzan, I can smell his syndrome a mile out and have become a champion 100-meter free-style swimmer. No need for family drama to stir up this syndrome. Loss of self-confidence due to recurring negative events will do the trick. The first time an incident occurs, it’s an accident. The second time, it’s a coincidence. The third, you lose your self-confidence. Example: At age 6, a little girl puts on a dress and her parents ridicule her, saying she looks like a monkey. At 8 years old, she is forced to stand in the corner of the classroom with a dunce hat on her head while the other children laugh at her. At 17, being a bit chubby, a girl makes fun of her and the other classmates join in. From that point on, this woman gets put down instead of appreciated and would rather die than claim her rights. She falls for the first Emotional Black Hole that comes along because now she, the nobody, finally exists for someone and through someone. Sometimes it takes less than that to belong to the Tarzan club; even one or two people rejecting you and goodbye self-confidence. You won’t wait for the third rejection to happen. Still, there’s a good chance that life will heal you if the problem isn’t deeply rooted in your childhood. After one or two misadventures, you realize what doesn’t suit you and what you desire in another person. Starting from there you dismiss all candidates presenting the same symptoms as the preceding ones and you end up finding what you were looking for.
Parents can also cause problems by wanting to be too helpful, by being too present, sometimes authoritarian or overly proud. No matter what you do, it’s always perfect. When you pass an exam, it’s expected because you’re flawless, so you never surprise anyone and never receive praise. Imagine a school year where you have a straight A average whether you’ve handed in your papers or not. If you’ve been ignored in your childhood or adored unconditionally, how can you tell what you’re worth? But make no mistake. Whether you’re an Emotional Black Hole or a Desperado, you can be adored until you’re rejected. Then resentment and aggressiveness take over. A Desperado can become an Emotional Black Hole in the next relationship for revenge, and an Emotional Black Hole can turn into a Desperado if you fall for an Emotional Black Hole even blacker than you!
All things considered, Tarzan followers, you resemble hermaphrodites: you adopt either attitude according to circumstances. Nonetheless, one of the two mentalities does often remain predominant. To clarify: You’re made to give and receive affection and recognition. The problem arises when you depend on it, ready to go to any lengths to receive it. Did you know that children raised in groups, either abandoned in anywhere from orphanages to concentration camps, would let themselves die because the personnel in those establishments were too busy or too ignorant to give them any affection or attention? Do you understand why it’s a matter of survival for the Tarzan follower?
You can quit drinking, smoking or taking drugs without putting your life in danger, but you can never stop loving and being loved, because deep inside you know that you’ll die. Doesn’t hating someone show that you love him/her, but are protecting yourself? Indifference is even a reaction to love. I know that you’ll try to tell me differently. I’m ready! Tell me the truth. Are you happy, in good health, having a fulfilling life without love and affection? At this stage of the book, I can see you wondering which team you belong to, and thereby determine that of your partner, your parents and the rest of your environment. Watch romantic movies and have fun finding out who’s the Emotional Black Hole and who’s the Desperado, because they are inevitably there. Well-balanced love stories never make box office sales. Why? Because it’s not believable!
The Tarzan Syndrome and You
How can you tell if you’re afflicted with the Tarzan Syndrome? Simple. You can’t tolerate being alone; you swing from one vine to the next, or cling to the same one, knowing that you’re dissatisfied. During the periods when you’re single, you wait for a person corresponding to your neurosis to come along. Then automatically you act like a Tarzan follower. But whose team are you on: The Desperado team or the Emotional Black Hole? If you belong to the first team, your partner or those you meet belong to the second, and vice versa.
Emotional Dependency is a Two-Player Game: The Desperado and The Emotional Black Hole
When I discovered that I had emotional dependency behaviour patterns, I wondered why me and not him? Well, so did he! What a thrill to realize that I wasn’t the only neurotic one in every relationship! Even though the causes are identical, there are actually two different ways to live the Tarzan Syndrome: the giver and the taker, and they inevitably attract each other. I couldn’t resist naming them so you could clearly identify each one’s role in the grand co-dependency scene.
The Desperado: Very generous, you give affection without counting and desperately seek it in others, dependent on something you’ll never receive. Here, the more you sow the less you reap, ALWAYS falling for those you call moochers. In fact, you prefer someone who suffers more than you so you can save them. You exist only when someone needs you! Plagued by powerful emotions, often an extravert, you don’t understand why the other doesn’t live up to your expectations after all you have done for him/her. You’re the knight in shining armour, or the crazy cat lady. Desperado, you’ll do anything to fill in the affection, recognition and sometimes protection gap from your childhood. This drives you to do anything and everything for the other, to the point of totally forgetting yourself. Craving to be loved and recognized for your generosity at all costs, you’re totally dependent not only on your partner but also on others for their judgments and/or appreciation. Incapable of recognizing your own worth and qualities, you give everything for a bit of affection and recognition. With you, no previews! The other gets to see the whole movie, including free popcorn, drinks and candy.
If you don’t recognize yourself in the preceding portrait, will you dare admit that you correspond to the following?
The Emotional Black Hole: You swallow-up another’s affection and recognition and give little or nothing in return. It’s just never enough; you’re a bottomless pit. Are you familiar with the famous black holes in space, renowned for their capacity to absorb anything that wanders near, and from where nothing ever returns? Get the picture? You’re cut off from your emotions, because your past experiences have taught you that emotions are dangerous and cause suffering. You’ve become an introvert: the dark mysterious type or the damsel in distress. Emotional Black Hole, you must to avenge your past. It’s a bulimia of sorts that drives you to demand and devour endless amounts of affection, recognition and protection that you missed out on in your childhood. You give just enough to bait, but then quickly feel that everyone owes you. You become more and more demanding, since your Desperado will respond without keeping tabs. You reveal bits and pieces of the movie preview, but the other will never be able to see the full version. As for the popcorn, drinks and candy, you won’t be the one paying.
The Emotional Black Hole and the Desperado spot each other and inevitably match-up. Their neuroses feed off of each other’s. Have you ever met a great catch who didn’t attract you? Of course, that person was too well-balanced to satisfy you. Regardless, it wouldn’t have lasted because well-balanced people aren’t attracted to Tarzan lovers. They immediately sniff out the potential behavioural problems that would arise.
Tarzan fans are air pirates who hijack affection and take you to the depths of hell with them.
